Ever since I was six years old and writing sequels to the movies I loved to watch, I have struggled with remaining focused on one idea. Over the past few months I have continued working on Evelyn only to find myself hitting wall after wall of frustration. It was during the past week I found out why I was struggling. I was ignoring another idea. This secondary idea’s main protagonist is as far from Evelyn as I could possibly get. While Evelyn is deeply thoughtful and while bruised and scarred, has endless hope and empathy for people, this new idea, this new character is a brash, lower class young woman who swears like a trooper and has a serious grudge against the world. This was why I was struggling to write Evelyn, she was getting swallowed up by this obnoxious yet wonderfully colorful new character.

The idea came to me the other week, but was not yet formed. All I knew was I had a growing desire to honestly represent Britain’s lower/underclass. All too often I was reading books within the fantasy genre where the female protagonists were beginning to all blend into one. Insert female protagonist, has special gift/power/history and fights against it/doesn’t want it/saves the world while all men and women fall hopelessly in love with her due to her ‘unique’ beauty, yet she thinks she is ugly.

So I would like to introduce you all to Melody Kieth, 22 year old worker at Primark who successfully failed all her exams due to not bothering to turn up. Am I creating a stereotype? No, the above does read like a harsh caricature of a lowerclass/under class individual, but as an author I am able to expand on her life. I am able to make her more than first impressions.

The current idea for the title of this novel is called Cuckoo. Melody is a changeling baby, and through a series of events discovers this and is transported to the Fairy realm in order to claim her throne from the human doppelganger that sits upon it. Her general view point of the whole adventure is apathy and that she really does not a shit. She’s not academically intelligent, and by that I mean she did not finish school or study at college level. However she is street smart, very intuitive and intelligent in her own right. I am, as an author and a human being an advocate for not judging a person on their academic achievements.

An idea of some of her colorful language is as follows:

“Look luv, if ya don’t get your stinky maggot breath out me face, I’m gonna kick you so hard your piss flaps will swell into balls!”

“This is some fucked up Harry potter shite.”

“I ain’t wearing no princess fluffy frilly pink crap.”

So, this is why Evelyn is currently on hold. I have Melody in my head. It’s very loud.

Self doubt cont.

tumblr_n3zzx2NTcJ1sdg5n4o1_500I have done very little writing over the past couple of weeks. I thought having my new laptop would push me into over eager excitement when it came to Evelyn & The Shadowman. It has not. I have been reading allot and after reading Stephen King’s ‘On Writing’, my brain has just caved in. Then I read my good friend, ‘Teeth’ along side some rp posts by some other friends and am just feeling rather useless. I am not sure I am good enough. Make no mistake, writing is hard and I always knew that and yet, currently the fun has gone. Is that normal? I know I should just start typing and get the rest of Evelyn & The Shadowman down on paper, but I have so many ideas and so many worries nothing is working.

In October I start my second year of university with the Open University, the October module is Creative writing and I had a dream last night in which my writing was given a fail by my university lecturer. This has certainly dampened my mood and I sit here, coffee in hand finding solace in tumblr. The Idea’s are there, the character’s are there but part of me misses being the ten year old girl who wrote, without worry of being criticized.

I am struggling with writing first, editing later. Part of me has always been a perfectionist, a planner, with mild OCD’s when it come’s to my daily life and how I approach things. I am finding it very hard to just write, and not fix errors when I see them, it physically pains me. But there is always a voice, in the back of my head, muddled between the hundreds of character voices, whispering now and again, “You can do better.”

I am my own worst critiquing nightmare. Should I give Evelyn a break and work on something else? Or is that me trying to justify giving up. Writing is hard, but does it being hard mean it should stop being fun?